Lana has a cold
& everytime she says “mom”
She just ends up saying “MAaammmm”
Like a little goat
It’s so cute
And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I’ve felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I’ve been pretending I’m OK, just to get along, just for, I don’t know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen.
Lana had a early intervention specialist come out today
She’s behind ( considering she was 11 weeks early), talking, and communicating.
She’s talks, when she wants. So if your someone she’s never met, or male, she will stay mute the whole time.
The lady was so rude though.
Lana has a cold, and since today has been my first day off all week, I was holding her and giving her my undivided attention. (Like any mom, duh)
But the lady was saying I “spoil” her. When I mentioned how she was sick she told me stop making excuses.
Like, what the hell
She told me I need to “break the habit” now or my child will walk all over me!
I haven’t felt the urge to slap someone in a long time, and this women was definitely testing me.
When she was leaving she mentioned to me about breaking the habit
So I just asked does she do the same with her children, to then which she said “oh, I have no kids”
I told her Lana is “My” daughter, no one else’s. If I choose to not physically discipline my kid, or tend to her 24/7 then that’s my choice. Because I’m her mother and no one else decides what’s best for “My” child.
Needless to say, we will be having a new specialist work with Lana.
Since being a single mom
Is I can’t blame myself for my child’s father not being there
As much as I’d like my child to have everything, I can’t give her the father figure she deserves
It hurts, it’s not fair, but it’s not the end of the world.
My biggest obstacle since becoming a mom is always feeling bad, or the one to blame for her father not being around
But I did what I could. That’s what matters. I tried for my daughter, I put up with more shit then I ever needed to, but I learned.
I guess it’s a step forward knowing that I no longer have to try. I no longer have to be the bigger person or put up with someone who genuinely doesn’t give a shit about their child.
That’s not what matters.
What matters is that I continue doing what I’ve been doing since day one.
Which is taking care of Lana and continuing to become a better person and mother.
It gets better, things don’t always go as planned or work out the way we want. But we learn from everything. Now I have no doubts about the decisions I’ve made and continue to make for my daughters well being.
No more blaming myself.